Lets get ready to Bumble I

"C'est le commencement de la fin."

-Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord

After significant peer pressure I have decided to join a friend's fantasy football league.  I am going by the moniker of Tallyrand (named for the sleazy French Prime Minister) and hope that this fearsome name enables me to move to the forefront of my league.

But first, it is important that you know that I know nearly nothing about football, and even less about fantasy football.  It sounds like something akin to Games Workshops Bloodbowl to me.  I have a head full of images of wizards using magic to levitate a pigskin.  Not a football, an actual pig skin, torn bleeding from the still writhing and squealing hide of an unfortunate porcine sacrifice to the gods of Monday night.

Anyway on to the first round draft!  Wait we are drafting?  What does war have to do with football?  I thought this was about sport!  Oh we are picking the players of our team.  Hmm...I appear to have the last pick in the first round of the draft.  Well screw you guys too!  Okay, lets see who I can choose from.  

Five minutes into browsing the list and I don’t know who any of these overpaid assholes are.  I am going to pick Robert Griffin III, because he sounds the most like a king of the middle ages.  I picture a warrior king clad in beefy shoulder pad armor with a Griffon on his jersey.  Truly a suitable choice for quarterback.  Also he had a high number, around 440, whatever that means.  

Oh, I get to pick again!  How many players can we choose at once?  Why don’t I just fill out my entire roster right now?  This doesn’t make any sense.

Wait a minute, I know this name!  Reggie Bush!  I heard about him being involved in some kind of scandal.  Well in keeping with the name of Talleyrand (who only saw American dignitaries in exchange for bribes) I shall pick this Reggie character.  I want to keep the spirit of that perverse French cheese eater alive.  

Apparently I was able to pick twice in a row because I was last in line to pick for the first round.  It is good to know that there is some justice in the world.  

With the first round over it is time to read more about the players I have picked.  Okay, apparently Robert Griffin III is known by the colloquialism of RG3.  Well that is lame.  I will refer to him from this day forward as King Griffin the 3rd, the Red Skinned.  A much more fitting name than a simple acronym.  

As for Reggie Bush, I think a title will better serve him.  His position is something called a Running Back.  I would assume that this equates him being skilled at running the football to the end zone.  As such I bequeath to him the title of Sir Reginald of Fleetfoot.  

I might get to like this Fantasy Football thing, but only in the manner I see fit.