Why Sports Clips is Genius

Recently I received a coupon for one free haircut at Sports Clips.  I figured it was just a store that operated like Great Clips or any other of the cheap in and out barbershop/salons.

I was wrong.

I was first tipped off that this was going to be very different when I walked up to the store.  Outside was a cute girl wearing what appeared to be a NFL referee jersey.  It wasn't until I got closer that I realized this was the Sports Clip employee uniform.

"Hi!"

She said.

"Are you here to get a haircut?"

How she could have guessed that I needed a haircut I can't imagine.  Although it might have had something to do with the complete lack of a trim or shave for 3 months.  My head looked like a particularly abused mop.

We stepped inside and I was immediately struck by how different an establishment this place was.  There were at least 12 high definition flat-screens, all showing ESPN Sport Center.  I have made clear in previous postings that I do not care at all for any sport.  Particularly not football.  At the time I took this all to be a gimic as validation to jack up the price of a haircut, but since I was getting it for free, it didn't matter.

I looked up at options above the register.  They all contained phrases that revolved around sports.

Varsity, Junior Varsity, Senior Varsity, "The Triple Play," "The MVP Experience."

I could feel indignation and a not insignificant rage fit coming on but I kept it in check.

The young stylist sure earned her paycheck by being welcoming and ushered my back to one of the chairs.

Up to this point I was just trying to keep my rage and hatred of the American Sports worship down.  I confess I didn't really notice any of the diligence or attention my stylist was putting into my haircut.

She finished blowing all the loose hairs off my head and shoulders.  I was about to pay when she said that we were not finished.

"We still have to do your shampoo and massage!"

I could care less about a wash, but I will never turn down a massage.

I was escorted further back into the store and seated into a massage chair.  I then reclined backward so as to rest my head in the wash basin.  The stylist began to wash my hair and then flipped on the massage chair.

Instantly all of my tension vanished and I achieved what must be the first step of the Buddhas climb to Nirvana.

It was while I was in this near mindless state that I was further comforted by having a warm towel wrapped around my face.

Bliss.

I felt lost in the cradling arms of a poem by Milton or Burns.

It was while in this state that I had an epiphany.

Sports Clips has done something amazing.

Prior to Sports Clips, were I to go to nine out of ten of my friends and tell them that I just paid $22.00 for a haircut, shampoo and massage, I probably wouldn't be invited to that years cookout.  That is probably the quickest way to publicly emasculate yourself.

But, if you disguise the Salon and Spa like treatment with a rough exterior like SPORTS, then you can get away with anything.

This could open the door for all kinds of business plans bent around marketing what was previously viewed as girly but enjoyable experiences to men.

I left Sports Clips, I'm ashamed to say, with the biggest smile on my face.  While I don't think I will go back for regular trims ($20 is pricey), I might make an occasion out of it.

Mark my words, give it a year and there will be a "Hard as Nails" manicures for men, with a gun shop inside.

The Absurdity of Laughing Cow

I was recently subjected to the travesty that is Laughing Cows newest advertisement.  The absurdity was absolutely beyond belief.

How delusional do you have to be to think that a bunch of women are going to be so entertained by your little wedge shaped cheese packages that they have to dance around the kitchen, spreading their unbelievably entertaining dairy product all over crackers, celery, and various other snacks that seem to only exist in the world portrayed by commercials.

If I were to see anyone behave like this in the real world I would immediately assume a heavy use of hallucinogens and controlled substances.  In fact, all of the behavior of these women in the advertisement does seem to mimic the behavior I have seen exhibited by a few friends in college after they dived headfirst into experimentation with controlled substances.

Also, am I supposed to just overlook the lack of any men in this video.  This is cheese after all, not Activia (more later on how apparently a womans digestive system needs yogurt to function).

What about the lack of men?  Are we not allowed to eat cheese now?  Is cheese a woman's food?

Damn it ladies, I enjoy some of these foods but I can't eat them or put them in my fridge because they are a threat to my masculinity.  You bastards in advertising are limiting my diet!  At the rate, in ten years my diet will be limited to Nachos, raw steaks, and beer.

My colon quivers in fear at the prospect.

Lets Get Ready to Bumble V

Well now, the season has officially started.  Yup, good ol' football season has "kicked off" as the boys are want to say.  Okay, just starting the football season.

I have no idea what I am doing.

There have evidently been several games by now seeing as how team Tallyrand now has 154 points.  Lets look deeper into the data on this.

Hmm...so I have a projected points of 212.7, but I scored 154.  Looks like I'm not the only one who doesn't know what is going on.  Whoever comes up with these statistics is as full of crap as a Christmas goose.

My opponent in the first game (how the hell does this work?) has 278 out of a projected 213.  Well the two of us are doing an amazing job at beating out projected averages.  Maybe I should get a reward for that.

Lets take a look at my players.

Earl Russel of Wilson seems to be doing well enough, despite a fumble .  One touchdown, seven rushing yards (whatever those are) and 320 passing yards.  Okay, I keep him.  I don't need to execute him yet.

King Griffin III hasn't scored anything yet, guess he hasn't played his game yet, neither has the Royal Butler Alfred Morris.

Three names in and I'm bored to hell with these numbers.  I'll just check it in a few days and hope it is higher than my opponents.  What is the point of this?  It's just accounting with sports jerseys!

I already did my taxes once this year and this is starting to seem strikingly familiar.  Do I need to call my financial planner?  I feel like Wells Fargo should be involved on this on some level.  I don't want to end up like a bankrupt Florida retiree because Garcon couldn't score a touchdown.

Until next time then, I'll just be here ignoring the games and looking at numbers like a drunk wall street trader.

A Quick Word with the American Public

Hello readers.

I will get back to writing humorous articles about things I know nothing about soon, but first I think I need to have a quick discussion about this whole Syria debacle.  There are a few things I would like to address.

First I would like to speak directly to the American people.  I'll get to the International Community in a second.  But first, the American public.  Really?  You decided that now you can't have anything to do with this conflict?  You seemed ready to kick some ass when it came to Iraq not too long ago, and hardly any of you noticed when it came out that the entire war had been started under false pretenses.  But no, we don't care about that because Saddam was a bad guy.  I won't dispute that claim, the man was definitely deserving of both ass kickings he received.  But suddenly you guys don't seem to want to have anything to do with these people who are using every weapon they can get their hands on to kill each other.  So long as it doesn't affect your 401K then huh?  Saddam was horrid because he was a dictator AND messed with the world economy.  I guess all we Americans care about is ourselves, and we are perfectly willing to go to war "to protect democracy" so long as your country has valuable natural resources that we can exploit.

Sooner or later a vast section of the world is going to get wise to your thinking.  I hope we still have some friends left when that day comes because they are going to come knocking, asking just who the hell we think we are.  To forestall this inevitable collection of our moral taxes I suggest we start giving off the impression that we give a shit about our fellow man, and not just the Petroleum reserves he happens to live above.

Now, on to the International Community.  Granted our military is the biggest one on the planet, our Defense Spending accounts for 39% of world wide military expenditure, but we all have to live here.  Step up to the plate once in a while.  I liked the Libya solution.  I have to give a serious thank you to the following countries for their commitment to the intervention:

Belgium, Bulgaria, Denmark, France, Greece, Italy, Jordan, The Netherlands, Norway, Qatar, Romania, Spain, Sweden, Turkey, The United Arab Emerates, and the UK.

But, where are you guys now?  The same kind of shit storm is kicking off on your doorstep and suddenly you can't be bothered?  Do you think that if you just ignore this problem it will go away?  That's not how this works.  The UK I can kind of understand being hesitant, you are an island after all, and with your empire now a scattering of ports and obscure airfields I could see why you want to maintain a low profile.  The rest of you though I don't get.  You have to live next to this.  Its like hearing gunshots in the apartment next to you, watching as bullets punch through your wall, hoping that someone on the other side drops dead and shuts up.  Even worse, you accuse us, the damn police (because none of you wanted the job) of trying to intervene.  If you think we shouldn't be involved, then fine.  But get off of your ass and fix this before it gets even worse.

As for Russia, shut the hell up.  You backed the loser in this fight, now acknowledge that one of your picks didn't turn out the way you planned and start backing better players.

That's all.  I'll have something a bit funnier put up on Friday.