3 Stages of a Relationship Expressed Through Bathroom Manners

All loving relationships go through 3 stages.  There are only these three stages, no more and no less.

The first stage is one I call,

"The Diplomatic Falsehood."

During this stage when either one of the loving couple feels the sudden urge to use the toilet, they will avoid the issue entirely with a quaint "I'll be right back," or an "Excuse me for just a minute."  They will then take the long way to the toilet, maybe dropping by the kitchen first under the pretense of grabbing some Doritos before returning to watching The Notebook.  ("Watching The Notebook" is my favored euphemism for sex by the way.)  Once they are within the bathroom, there will be the most hurried and quietest shit in the history of mankind.  Prior to mounting the throne the faucet, and maybe even the shower will be turned on.  The individual will strain and push, praying to God above that there are no overly fecal noises to alert their significant other, that their asshole is indeed home to the greatest foulness to enter the world of man.

The second stage I refer to as,

"Allied Powers"

During this stage of the relationship, it is virtually identical to the first, except instead of the pretense of "Excuse me" the individual now uses the phrase "I have to got to the bathroom" or "I need to use the restroom."  Other than that there is no change.

The Third and Final Stage I call,

"Border Clashes"

Usually by this point the relationship is in decline, while not ending, it is obvious that in the near future is a major fight.  Instead of giving any pretense of any kind of activity other than the evacuation of their bowels, the individual will say something like: "Gotta take a shit."  Or something even more crass like "Taking the fudge pug to the porcelain dogpark."  They then go to the restroom and make their bowel movement as loud as they possibly can.  If there is a particularly rancid smell they might even close the door after flushing to leave a UN WMD violation waiting for their partner when they next need to use the latrine.

I hope this has been informative.